Die lustigsten Dialoge, die vor Gericht gesprochen wurden

Die skurrilsten Momente schreibt das Leben. Und manchmal möchte man gar nicht glauben, dass solche ungescripteten Dinge tatsächlich passiert sind. Aber das Gute an den Folgenden: Sie wurden aufgezeichnet. In einem Gerichtssaal. Anscheinend muss man wohl doch nicht der Allerschlaueste sein, um Anwalt zu werden… Oder schlicht gefeit davor sein, dass Zeugen nur allzu gerne Fragen wörtlich nehmen.

Charles M. Sevilla hat vor Jahren bereits etliche Sonderbarkeiten zusammen getragen, die sich vor Gericht zugetragen haben. „Disorder in the Court Great Fractured Moments in Courtroom H: Great Fractured Moments in Courtroom History“ (Partnerlink) fasst Dialoge zusammen, die etliche Sitcoms dieser Welt aufwerten würden.

„Sit back and enjoy a collection of verbatim exchanges from the halls of justice, where defendants and plaintiffs, lawyers and witnesses, juries and judges, collide to produce memorably insane comedy.“

Dialog #1

A: You mumbled on the first part of that and I couldn’t understand what you were saying. Could you repeat the question?

Q: I mumbled, did I? Well, we’ll just ask the court reporter to read back what I said. She didn’t indicate any problem understanding what I said, so obviously she understood every word. We’ll just have her read my question back and find out if there was any mumbling going on. Madam reporter, would you be so kind?

Court Reporter: Mumble, mumble, mumble, mumble, mumble.

Dialog #2

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

Dialog #3

ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

Dialog #4

ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.

Dialog #5

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.

Dialog #6

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

Dialog #7

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I’m going with male.

Dialog #8

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.

Dialog #9

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral…

Dialog #10

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?

Dialog #11

LAWYER: When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station?
OTHER LAWYER: Objection. That question should be taken out and shot.

Dialog #12

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

Dialog #13

LAWYER: Was that the same nose you broke as a child?
WITNESS: I only have one, you know.

Dialog #14

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, ‘Where am I, Cathy?’
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!

Dialog #15

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

FRAGE #16

LAWYER: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?

via: boredpanda